So in response to our comment about the payout this quarter at T.C.I.I, we at corporate headquarters thought we should put this together:
Q3.55428 Company Bonus Results
This midway-through-q4-quarter’s results memo is an important one. I’ve often said that at TacoClub International Incorporated, our bonus pay is tied to results, not efforts. And Q3.55428 offers an example of how meaningful this distinction can be.
The fact is, I can’t remember a quarter where we’ve all exerted more taco know how to produce bigger taco gains. Specifically, we began in just a few days ago launching Taco@Home – a product that’s already regarded as a real taco industry changing innovation that provides people ingredients to make tacos AT THEIR HOUSES!!!! NO longer do you need to go to a restaurant to have a taco, you can have it at your HOUSE!!!!. In August we followed with TacoArmBands, an offering that’s bringing T.C.I.I service to hundreds of thousands of new taco enthusiasts much like the Taco Blog. The introduction required Cortezian effort.
On top of these high-profile projects, we also worked hard to introduce new taco features, like putting that sweet dancing taco on the homepage, that was tough, but one of our members found it, and it dances 24/7/365. That’s impressive. Or the Taco Creed which further solidified our position in the taco market. On top of all this work, we were able to do all the other things we do day-to-day to operate our business, and this guy loves tacos while this guy likes searching for quality tacos, which is braggable.
So, yes, we all exerted enormous efforts in Q3.55428. That said, the results we posted during the quarter came up short from the goals we set for ourselves. Here’s what happened:
1. Growth – We wanted to get 40,000,000,000 people to come to our site: We said if we grew net customer additions by 40,000,000,000 in the 3.55428th quarter, our bonus payout would be 100% on this metric.
The Result: While we got 2 hits outside of Washington, we came up 39,999,999,998 people short of our goal. Therefore, the payout on this metric is 0.00000000005%.
2. TACOBIDAH: We said if we had someone bid on our website and offer $10,000,000,000, our TACOBIDAH goal of being extremely profitable, our bonus payout would be 100% on this metric and if some schmuck offered $20,000,000,000 in TACOBIDAH would result in a 150% bonus payout on this metric.
The Result: Of the 2 guys that saw our site, neither of them bid on it. Therefore we will have a 0% payout on this metric.
3. Posting a bunch of crap: We said if we had posted 18 posts by today, our bonus payout would be 100% on this metric.
The Result: We TOTALLY hit this by posting a couple weeks worth of nothing, CONGRATULATIONS! Therefore, we’ll pay out this metric at 100%!
4. Have Zip post anything: We said that if we could get Zip to post just 1 thing, the bonus payout would be 100% on this metric.
The Result: He didn’t post a damn thing, so our payout is 0% on this metric.
All-in-all it was a fine past few days, we’ve really hit on a lot of our metrics, but we leave a lot to be desired. Our $0.01 marketing revenue was great, and once we split that per share, per user, per metric, everyone should be receiving a check for nearly $0.00000023 sometime in the next 282 years. Thanks for being such dedicated employees!
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